The Quarantine Q's and Blues

I’m starting to get sad again. Sad about the real L this Summer turned out to be in comparison to what was planned. Maybe I’m just having an off-day- but maybe I’m not. I was supposed to live in the nicest dorm on campus among new and old friends. I was to meet the incoming class every weekend and work at a preschool during the weekdays. I was going to spend time on campus when it’s at its peak prettiness and eat as much White Mountain Ice cream as I could while taking full advantage of the gym but mostly for it’s swimming pool. I planned on running around the reservoir some mornings and I had even started saving recipes to try by night. When I think about the Summer I earned and its replacement I feel powerless.

The last two months were robbed from my sophomore year and replaced with boundless hours of self reflection and solitude. I’m in a constant battle between welcoming my feelings and looking on the bright side because it feels like I can’t do both. I don’t want to ignore my emotions but they’re getting old. Isn't it time to hike myself up by my bootstraps and get over it? Or by suggesting that am I suppressing and causing more harm than good? Is there a point to feeling sorry for myself? Maybe it’s necessary to start feeling better. It’s a tug of war remembering that so many people have it worse than I do. Luckily my graduation isn’t for another two years and I don't have any major travel plans that are completely off the table. But I still had the Summer I've been waiting for since my own orientation and it can't be repeated when things go back to normal.

The line between healthy coping mechanisms and distractions has completely disappeared and I don’t know if I’m keeping myself busy with random little projects for the fun of it and out of sheer boredom or if I’m keeping all the grief and disappointment at bay. I like to try and adhere to the phrase “if you can’t change it change your mindset” and that worked for the first few weeks of lockdown but now I’m not so sure.

I log onto zoom every week and am confronted with people who would've been my coworkers, my friends. I’m forced to see pictures from past years of people doing what I should be in the classic maroon polo and khaki shorts while I’m propped in front of a laptop that only reveals my shoulders and above. And every week after I unmute myself and say my goodbyes, I can’t help but start to get sad.