A Hopeful end to the Hiatus

I’ve been away for a while. Quite a while. My excuse was school and work and extracurriculars but then Spring Break happened and I realized i didn’t have an excuse. I would have ideas. Ideas for videos, podcasts, posts but when i sat down to execute the idea it never turned out how I pictured or i just couldn’t get started.

I’m going to be honest because I said that’s what I’d do. I don’t know if I said that online but i told myself I would so that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m going to be honest. These past few weeks that I suppose have turned into months have been relatively difficult. I say relative because good things have happened but it seems like the good lasts 5 seconds but the mundane or the less than mundane consumes the rest my time. I don’t know if that makes sense. Sometimes I go to my room ready to work on a project you know? Giddy with creativity and then when I finally have time to do it I can’t - or I don’t. I don’t know which.

It’s not fair to claim to be sharing my experience but sugar coat it- you know? If I’m sharing my experience I’m sharing the whole thing. Take it or leave it. I’m a little worried this will backfire - that something I write will bite me in the butt 10 years from now because you know - the internet never dies. I just don’t know how it could backfire. I suppose that’s how backfiring sneaks up on you.

I often feel like I’m behind everyone else. Like everyone has their life figured out. I know that’s not true obviously - we’re all floundering about, trying to figure stuff out but that’s just how I feel. And when I go to my room ready to create but I can’t - I remember all the people that do create and it makes me want to do it less. Why am I doing this? What makes this website in particular different from all of the others? Why does my experience even matter in the grand scheme of things ?

It seems like everyone is passing me. I know life is not a race but let’s say it’s a dinner. And everyone at the table is getting their meal served to them- I am too. But when everyone starts eating I don’t or I do but i don’t like the food or I’m allergic to it or something. And slowly but surely everyone’s moving onto their next course but I’m still being served my first! Does that mean I’m picky or have way too many allergies- maybe. I don’t really know what that analogy means. All I know is people are leaving the table and I haven’t even finished the appetizer.

Why am I posting this ? I can’t be 100% sure in all honesty. I haven’t posted in 2 months so I thought you guys deserve an explanation or maybe I just wanted a chance to explain myself for my own sake. Actually I know exactly why.

I made this website with intent to share my experience so people don’t feel alone but in this instant I’m sharing so I don’t feel alone.