A Journal Entry from 11.18.2018

I find writing down the thoughts in your head to be very peaceful. I think from word vomit I am able to decipher my true thoughts and my next course of action. That being said I write when I feel what I do not after so they tend to be dramatic and over thought because sometimes things really seem like they are the end of the world but they aren't. Here is an entry from 11.18.18

November 18, 2018

Sometimes I get sad for no reason and other times I'm happy for no reason. I wish I had some control over my emotions. I feel like I did once and then one day I just didn’t? It could be hormones but I’m not sure. I saw my high school's show last night it was wonderful but I was most looking forward to see the phenomenal people that I hadn't seen in a while and watch them thrive on stage. After 3 or more months of not seeing them I was SO excited to hug them and although I talk to some of my friends on the phone or something, hugging them for real and seeing them in person was so different. It felt familiar and natural and so far that’s not what college is. I hope one day college becomes natural and familiar and very ordinary to me like my high school’s theater company has but at the moment that’s not what it is.

Shorty after seeing everyone with no time to talk I had to go back to school and as soon as I entered my dorm I cried. Imagine being in the snow and you don't really know your cold because you’re building snowmen and sipping hot chocolate and having a great time in the snow but then you find a blanket and you’re warm now too! You didn't even realize you were cold before but with this new found blanket you are just as warm as can be. And then you lose the blanket like 10 minutes after you find it. To me that’s what last night kind of felt like. I'm having a wonderful time here in school, don’t get me wrong. I’ve made fantastic friends we share laughs and cries and long talks and short chats and I’m learning all about myself and the world around me and I’m getting no sleep but that’s okay. But seeing everyone yesterday felt so nice. It felt so normal and peaceful and happy. But having to leave so soon really sucked.

It’s so weird enjoying your time - like really and for truly enjoying what you're doing and where you are going but at the same time missing everyone and everything from prior. The adjustment to college is kind of tough but it feels like this part will never go away. I don’t know if I’ll stop missing my high school friends or my family (even though they are not even an hour away ) while simultaneously having a ball here. I wish someone told me that I would spend the majority of my time confused or surfing a line between nostalgia and moving forward. And I don’t want to stop missing my friends from high school! Of course not! I couldn't if I tried but I wish it didn’t suck every time I did. I wish I could miss them and soon as I do they could be here! But that's not how anything works and “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. So when we are apart I have to remind myself that this time we are apart will make the time we spend together even better.

I also wonder if the guilt of not being home and not being right there to help my sister through high school will ever go away. I wish I could be there when she gets home from school or I could see her walking the halls with her friends and I could pass the cafeteria during freshman lunch and see her at a table and maybe I’d say “hi” every now and then but not too often because don't want to interrupt. But in reality I’m a little ways away and freshman year of high school is hard and I can't be there for any of it. I wish I could help but Im no use way over here. I don't know if I would be of any use at home either but at least I could see her more.

I wish a lot of things and I don't know if I’ll ever stop wishing them. I just wish someone told me about this part. I was told about the good and the bad but I wish I knew they could exist at once.